The Allison


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Another turn around the sun

So, another birthday is here. We come to a birthday and decide to celebrate it in some extraordinary way, clubs, trips, parties, vacations, etc., but what about the daily celebrations? What about the sheer fact that you woke up, and that if you did, no matter how or where you woke up, you may not have control over many things, but you do have control over something vital, your mind. You get to change your mind.  About anything and everything. I've lived and seen many things, convinced to my core of all sorts of things but upon closer examination and reasoning doesn't ring true or pass the bullshit test.  I started to test things I believed by having experiences that challenged me to question my own mind.

Over the years I have been so very blessed. I have had a wonderful career filled with so many firsts that allowed me to travel the world and even do radio shows and television. I met people from almost every state in the U.S., some of whom I'm still in contact with and consider friends. I've seen the canals of Venice, the luxury of the Amalfi coast, the Eiffel tower in Paris, driven the autobahn in Germany, stared in amazement at the Mona Lisa at the L'ouvre, walked at sunset on the beautiful beaches of the Virgin Islands, and enjoyed some of the best weed in eclectic coffee smoke shops of Amsterdam. I've danced in the courtyard of the royal palace in Madrid and swam in the waters of Puerto Rico. I was able to live on the beautiful island of Hawaii where I finally came to terms with the fact that no matter where I went, there I was, and I needed therapy. Because even as beautiful, tranquil and slow moving the island life was, it was a steady reminder of the voices of dysfunction I had ignored for many years. I've had friends and lost some as well, many times because our time was up as our paths, desires, and dreams no longer converged. I have shed tears, pounds, heels, suits and classic style for a more relaxed demeanor in many ways. So much so that some of my friends say it's unrecognizable.  But I still have to deal with myself and oftentimes we don't see the changes in ourselves good or bad as others may see them. And change doesn't come easy. It's one of the reasons why very few people do.  As much as I think I know myself, I always end meeting a newer version of something deeper. 

For instance, I realized the last few years that the very things that attract and repel me in people are very prominent in me. I've heard that before, but to learn it, see it, is both unpleasant and surprising simultaneously. On the one hand I love the surprise of learning new things, even about myself, but the other side can bring bitterness and pain, especially when those revelations uproot the foundation that is the fabric of your beliefs and opinions. Just when I thought I've mastered something, the Universe in its curious way demonstrates that I have no idea.  

However, this birthday I decided to take a good look at who I am, who I've been and who I will evolve into as I enter what is very likely to be my last act. I hope and encourage you to do the same because nothing changes, improves or evolves without genuine introspection. This is a brief summary of what I journaled recently.

My journal always has a daily quote and for my birthday it was, "faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." MLK

"I've been having such a blast for my birthday. 55 years around the sun and so much more to learn. This next chapter is about leaving some things (sic) behind. The things I see in myself that have no value, no real connection to who I am now or want to become. Although I know at times certain behavior was necessary and I may have needed it to survive a tumultuous and sometimes painful life, these characteristics have no place in my existence now because I can no longer walk around with things that weigh me down instead of lifting me up. I will replace these things with boldness and truth without narcissism because I know I've earned my successes, but it was not done alone, and I have no business claiming it so. Quiet contemplation, staying calm and saying less. The knowing of who I am and the confidence that my Source, my Guide, my God has always had and always will have my back because everything works out in my favor whether I see it, feel it or know it to be true at present. Patience because I have no control, and everything happens in my Saviour's appointed time and my Source is ALWAYS on time! And conscious detachment from outcomes because control is an illusion and a waste of time."

I read in a book by Miguel de Ruiz that, "pure expression is honesty, communication without conditions, no strings attached, no ulterior motives, no sales job and no desperate attempt to be liked."

I would say that also applies for love of others and love of self and that's what I intend to manifest in my next chapter as I take another turn around the sun. Amen. Namaste

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